…And Then The System Collapses Like a Top-Heavy Gym Rat

Dispatch #20: Rotting Olives, Rotting Endorsements

They called it a short election, but it felt anything but. Like getting waterboarded by a Muppet — starts cute, ends horrifying. Great start, muddy middle, but since the Brantford Boomer it's been hitting high notes.

The terrible events in Vancouver—the senseless loss of life—cast a shadow over this election's end. Tragedies like these remind us how little control governments truly have over the chaos of life. We can't vote to prevent the unpreventable.

Governments aren't built to prevent tragedies, because fundamentally governments are reactive, lumbering bureaucracies—not proactive visionaries.

If there's a major theme I've hammered in these dispatches, it's this: centralized bureaucracy is a bloated, overpriced, and ultimately ineffective way to tackle complex social problems—issues better solved at local and individual levels.

Beyond that, mutual-aid societies can pick up the slack. Networks built on voluntary cooperation rather than top-down coercion. We've done it before, no reason we can't do it now.

Especially with today's tech — if we can coordinate a global social media trend overnight, we can probably figure out how to help each other without a ministerial task force.

Let Ottawa stick to what it can actually manage: secure borders, maintain highways, oversee ports.

Run the government on tariffs alone.

No more income taxes. No more capital gains bullshit.

And start treating property taxes like Jehovah’s Witnesses at the door — pretend you’re not home until they leave.

Property and income taxes are asbestos — rip ‘em out before you wake up coughing blood into a broken coffee mug.

Fucking Carney or Milhouse Poilievre?

Neither Mark Carney nor Pierre Poilievre will solve Canada's long-term structural problems — the ones I’ve been ranting about for nearly fifteen years.

We can’t print infinite dollars backed by finite resources.

You can’t consume what hasn’t been produced. That’s why my vote goes to the Conservatives—they at least pretend to believe in entrepreneurship. And fake hope is the only kind left on the ballot.

Mark Carney’s top-down technocracy was tried in the 20th century. We’ve been stuck in the backseat of a hybrid model for the first quarter of this one.

Carney’s vision is like skipping leg day at the gym. Every. Single. Time.

Eventually, that bloated upper body will crush your toothpick legs — and you'll be pinned under your own pecs like a failed influencer in a David Lynch film.

The system collapses like a top-heavy gym rat. The legs can eventually rebuild, but the upper body will never regain that Baby Boomer beefcake look — at least not for generations.

Society is a body, made up of billions of cells and bacteria. The entire body must be cared for, not just the glamorous parts. Stop skipping leg day.

Stop injecting steroids into your six-pack abs. They’re not real.

Solutions to climate change lie in medicine metaphors: administer penicillin locally, then watch the ripple effects. Don’t keep sticking leeches on us — and calling it healthcare.

Poilievre offers penicillin as a party drug instead of medicine, while Mark Carney, like most Liberal elites, still fetishizes bloodletting.

You Can't Febreze This

I don’t endorse Conservatives per se — I endorse cleaning house.

Time to toss out that jar of olives rotting in the back since 2015.

Something’s growing on it, and I don’t like the smell.

After Monday, hopefully we can focus on scrutinizing a Poilievre government—especially if he reneges on his promise not to police “misinformation” online. Yet another reason to despise Liberals.

Carney supports Trudeau’s law to regulate the Internet like it’s a “public broadcaster.”

That’s not just doublespeak — that’s Orwell's nightmare with a CBC tote bag:

"Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past."

At least with Conservatives, the average "left-of-centre" Canadian stays skeptical. With legacy media and academia already biased against Tories — too busy to realize only dogs can hear dog whistles — that’s reason enough to vote them in.

Governments should be unpopular from day one — ideally booed from the public gallery.

Like a loud fart at a wedding.

That’s democracy.