Face Down, Elbows Up - Canada’s Fucked
Dispatch #2: Canada’s Election is a Joke — And the Punchline is AI Porn
The fuck does “Elbows Up” mean?
Are those the first words of every Goldman Sachs mannequin that springs to life? Apparently, it’s a hockey term, but it sounds more like a malfunctioning Peloton instructor video.
And correct me if I’m wrong, but in French, it means absolutely fucking nothing. Like shouting ‘Vape Pens Forward!’—it lands somewhere between a confused mime and a stroke symptom.
Not surprising since the French language isn’t Mark Carney’s strong suit.
But here we are. Day three of the campaign, and I can already feel my health failing. Might as well finish that bottle of wine I started the other night. Even though it’s 10:30 in the morning. Noon’s too far away.
But as I was saying, Mark Carney and French don’t go together well. No wonder he bailed out of a French-language debate. Probably afraid he’d say “je suis Hamas” or something even worse.
In just a few days, the Liberals have likely handed Quebec to the Bloc. Which is fine with me. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue hammering this point home: Confederation has failed, Mexico is a shithole, and the United States is slipping into theocratic fascism.
This continent is too large and diverse. We need thousands of smaller political units, not three large ones. We need thousands of Vatican Cities, Monacos, and Liechtensteins, not a homogeneous “North American Union.”
Meanwhile, Pierre Poilievre is packing suburban gyms like a more annoying (or less annoying?) Jordan Peterson. High on populist fumes and still mad about that one time someone said “Happy Holidays.”
And as for the NDP? Looks like they’ll be changing the “D” in their name from democrat to death because that’s what’s in store. I read one article speculating that they’ll be lucky to get two seats when this is all done and over with.
Meanwhile the Greens are running two leaders and the PPC’s Mad Max is pissed that he’s being excluded from leader photo collages. Like the crybaby he is, he’s pissed that news outlets have space for two Green party heads but no room for him.
Hey Max, maybe people just don’t like you?
The Greens had a couple of seats at Parliament’s dissolution. Maxime Bernier couldn’t win his own riding with a MAGA hat full of fentanyl and a truck convoy escort with double-double implants.
Speaking of ridings, for the first time ever, both major party leaders are running in neighbouring Ottawa-area ridings. Carney’s been living out of the country for a while, so he flubbed his geography by referencing a neighbourhood not even in his riding.
As well, he seems to have pissed off some Nepean locals by booting prior Liberal MP Chandra Arya. Apparently, he wasn’t ready to step down. But the Liberals didn’t like him because Arya didn’t know French and had no interest in learning.
Oh, the irony.
Why not run Carney in Edmonton? The Liberal MP there isn’t seeking re-election (another white guy pretending to be indigenous, a time-honoured tradition in Canada), and Edmonton is where Carney grew up.
But what do I know? I just think it’ll be funny if Arya runs as an independent and splits the vote, handing a victory to the Conservatives.
But enough preliminaries. Let’s get into the meat of the last few days.
Tax Cuts and Other Fantasies
In another world, I trust Mark Carney to be a “centrist” and keep Canada’s fiscal situation afloat while welcoming socially liberal policies. It’s what made the Liberals the “natural governing party” of the 20th century.
But Justin Trudeau destroyed all that in a little under a decade.
Donald Trump didn’t give Canada a 69-cent dollar. Trump didn’t ignore our healthcare system problems. Trump didn’t let in a mass of cheap labour we didn’t (and still don’t) have the housing for.
Donald Trump didn’t double Canada’s debt, exacerbate an opioid crisis, fill our streets and parks with homeless tent cities, or stagnate the country’s GDP. Trump didn’t make Canada the car theft capital of the world.
Donald Trump didn’t cancel pipelines, making us reliant on the US. Justin Trudeau and his back-patting klepto-activists did. They shut down the rigs, the routes, the revenue—then flew to Davos on your dime to brag about it.
And Carney has surrounded himself with the very same people. He wrote an entire book that essentially encouraged the same reckless policies that Trudeau implemented for ten years.
So this recent about-face promising tax cuts and infrastructure investment is bullshit. I trust Carney and the Liberals as much as I trust Poilievre to make Canada “the freest country of earth.”
It ain’t gonna happen.
And the Bloc seems to understand this. Candidate Denis Trudel declared the Liberals more dangerous than Trump. Which didn’t sit well with Liberal MP Guilbeault. He said:
“How you can be so out of touch with reality to only see your own political, egotistic potential gains at the detriment of an entire society is, frankly baffling.”
Holy shit dude. Talk about textbook case projection. What an idiot!
Meanwhile, Carney is promising a 1% income tax cut. Probably approved by a focus group of Toronto wine moms and Harvard-educated pedophiles—you know, the ones with Epstein Air travel points.
Poilievre responded with: fuck it, make it 2.25%. And sent the Carney team scrambling like cops during the Trucker Convoy — lots of noise, no follow-up. The best they can do is claim a tax cut this size would cost Canadians more than a Leafs ticket.
No mention of stripping the generous salaries and pensions of politicians and pencil-pushing bureaucrats—the real welfare class.
It’s like watching two hedge fund managers argue who can appear more blue-collar. How about this? If a 100% income rate is the very definition of slavery, at what percentage does it cease being institutional extortion? 75%? 50%?
Why?
Last I checked, World War 1 is long since over, and that was the only justification a supposed liberal democracy had for stealing people’s income.
But this is what has become of policymaking and election campaigning in 2025. Take an idea, strip it of meaning, inflate it like a condo in Etobicoke, and then yell about it in a town hall full of rage-clickers and construction dads who haven’t voted since Stephen Harper warned that the Liberals would censor Netflix.
AI Porn and Foreign Bots: What Could Go Wrong?
Everyone is expected to interfere in this election. The U.S., China, Russia, India, hell, maybe even Pakistan. CSIS is concerned about AI-generated fake news, deepfakes, and other disinformation blitzes.
They have an entire task force dedicated to warning Canadians about spam, spoof news sites masquerading as real, and even deepfake porn of politicians.
Seriously. This is the election where your local MP might be AI-framed in an OnlyFans scandal.
Paper ballots are the only redeeming factor in this election. But even then, Canadians are getting so insane I wouldn’t be surprised if some “Maple Syrup MAGA” ballots go missing or are rejected for dubious reasons.
Oh shit, I’m spreading misinformation. Call it the Ibogaine effect. Just don’t accuse me of working with a foreign leader—unless they want to subscribe and send me money. In that case, let’s talk.
Shut the Fuck Up, Danielle
God, I hate the Alberta premier. But first, cue that Gus Fring meme. Liberals and leftists hate Danielle Smith because she’s an oil-loving conservative. I hate her because she’s a politician. We are not the same.
Smith openly admitted to pressuring Trump’s team to pause tariffs so it wouldn’t hurt Poilievre’s chances. She said the quiet part out loud. Now the Liberals are gleefully painting Poilievre as Canada’s MAGA agent.
Thanks, fuck-face. Kindly shut the hell up for the rest of the campaign. Unless… having the Liberals in Ottawa helps her contrarian premiership. Kinda like Trump endorsing the Liberals.
4D chess, bitches!
The NDP is Broke, Broken, and Dying
The NDP is dead. They just don’t know it yet. They’re still paying off their $20 million campaign loan from the last election. They have less than $300K in cash for this campaign.
That’s not even enough to buy their volunteers thank-you Timbits. The NDP are flailing like a moose on black ice—legs in every direction, no traction, no clue.
The last time the NDP tanked this hard, Nirvana was playing on college campuses instead of on adult contemporary radio stations no one listens to.
Poilievre has already spent more on hair gel and contact lenses. By the time this ends, Jagmeet Singh will be paler than Jack Layton in a hospice bed—minus the dignity and the legacy.
All Gonzo, No Governance
Every election is supposedly the “most important election of our lifetimes.” I don’t know about that, but I know this likely to be the weirdest election in Canadian history.
The fake news is real, and the real news reads like Mad Libs printed on a bag of fentanyl. But I’ll be here. Doing my best Hunter S. Thompson impression minus the cocaine and press credentials.
…Unless you know a good coke guy.