Merci, Tabarnak

Dispatch #21: Post-Election Analysis, Fear Wins Again

Thanks, Quebec.

Is there a hotline we can call to start the separation process, or do we just send a basket of poutine and a note that says “get the fuck out”?

Same goes for the GTA. After a decade of WEF-approved immigration policy — and four more on deck — it’s starting to feel like one of those places that ends in “-Stan.”

Let ’em separate and make it official. Slap a flag on it and call it Canukistan. Close the border and cut the cheques.

But hey, let’s be real — a Poilievre government wasn’t going to snap his fingers and fix a decade of rot. Not in four years. Not even in ten.

Still, the place needs fumigating. And with the NDP broke and busted, we’re stuck with another four years of spineless “Yes, Prime Minister” votes from Singh’s ghost caucus.

Call it what it was: a face down, elbows up, ass-in-the-air election. All it took was a cleaner résumé and a fresh headshot to make people forget the last decade.

Maybe Carney fires the old guard and fills his cabinet with people not soaked in Trudeau stench.

More likely he rehires them with raises.

In the end, fear did what it always does — took a seat, lit a cigarette, and voted Liberal.

Thanks Legacy Media

2021 was fear of COVID. This one? Fear of Trump. Manufactured, bottled, and distributed coast to coast.

What will it be next time? Solar flares?

Trump made it easy. Tossed a few Molotov tweets across the border and watched Canada light itself on fire.

All it took was 37 days of Trump doing Trump things, and Canadians fled back to the Liberals like battered spouses saying, “He’s changed.”

Canadians convinced themselves a vote for Carney was a punch to Trump’s face instead of a lick of his boot.

Which is next-level brain fog. Trump basically endorsed the Liberals as a strategic asset for Team America.

Look around. Ten years of proof, rotting in real time.

The last thing Trump wanted was a Canadian version of himself screwing with his trade leverage. He didn’t want a Canadian nationalist. He wanted a globalist doormat in a red tie.

“Please elect someone who might stand up to me,” said Trump, never.

Jesus. How many adult Canadians need a helmet and a crossing guard?

This was a “rally around the flag” vote — from people who confuse the maple leaf with Liberal party branding.

To them, blue = conservative = American = bad. That’s it. That’s the thought process.

Their vote counts too. Which is the real national tragedy.

But the real MVP? Quebec’s French media. Saturated in Trump-hate and 51st-state paranoia like it was a politically-charged Festival d'été de Québec.

Quebec torched the house, GTA poured the gas, and media handed out marshmallows.

Last night proved it: we’re not better than the Americans we mock. We’re just colder, smugger, and pretend to be polite when we’re really being passive-aggressive.

In Canada, like in the U.S., it’s not about policy. It’s about the story. Your park can turn into a zombie encampment — doesn’t change a thing.

The narrative runs the country. Not results. Not reality. You could be tripping over OD’d corpses on your way to work — they’ll still tell you everything’s fine.

If Bay Street and CBC don’t approve of your vibes, enjoy being the opposition — forever.

Forget reform. This is survival mode now. Pack snacks.

How’d Poilievre do?

In a saner timeline, he’s walking into a supermajority with a smirk and a double-double.

Take Hamilton Centre — an NDP stronghold. The orange vote collapsed and everyone stampeded toward the Liberal parachuted in from Mississauga, who’s never set foot here outside a campaign bus.

The Liberal took it. But if the Trump Factor hadn’t scrambled half the country’s brains, the usual NDP–Liberal split would’ve handed the riding to the Conservatives.

Why’d the NDP crater? Fear-driven Carney support — and working folks choosing straight talk over pronoun parades.

In a world where Donald Trump didn’t play 4D chess with the Canadian population, Pierre would’ve bagged the 905 without breaking a sweat.

But even still: 30 seats gained, 41% of the vote — highest since Mulroney. That’s not a loss. That’s a warning shot echoing off the Rockies.

Not bad for a party hated by most major media outlets.

In any other election, this would’ve been a cakewalk majority.

Poilievre losing his own riding is rough — and he’ll never hear the end of it. But the Conservative showing in Atlantic Canada was solid.

Still, it’s hard to look at the results and not think: secession isn’t a meme anymore. Confederation is starting to look like a hostage situation.

Jagmeet Singh: Worst Canadian Ever

Tommy Douglas once topped the “Greatest Canadian” list.

My nomination for the opposite? Jagmeet “Pension Secured” Singh.

Tommy gave us healthcare. Jagmeet gave us Carney.

I rest my case.

He could’ve called an election last September and crowned himself Leader of the Official Opposition with a hundred MPs to spare.

Instead, he walked into Parliament with a spine and walked out with a pension. That’s it. That’s the arc. The only “working class” thing Jagmeet ever saved was his own damn retirement plan.

The NDP hold the balance of power in theory. In practice? They’re broke and irrelevant. Like the financial stability of a failed indie band.

And they gotta share the stage with Bloc Party who aren’t even from here.

Jagmeet didn’t just torch his party — he handed the Liberals the matchbook. May that pension come with a recurring rash.

The Liberals scraped together a shaky minority — a victory stitched together with NDP, Bloc, and Green panic votes.

It’s a minority government built on fear, not faith. A house of red cards, held up by trembling hands.

This was fear-driven, not faith-based. And once Canadians sober up, they’ll see Carney’s just Trudeau with fewer yoga pics.

Ford, Meet the Guillotine

I should probably watch myself. Canada doesn’t take kindly to guillotine jokes — or “misinformation.” Won’t be long till Carney dispatches the Fact-Checker SWAT Team.

Gene Sharp was right — the state owns violence, so nonviolence is all we’ve got. Violence is the state’s turf. So we’re stuck with nonviolence — and memes.

But would I stop a mob dragging Doug Ford out of his taxpayer-chilled panic room and toward a guillotine made from broken podiums and LCBO crates?

No. No, I would not.

I’m not saying I’d help stick Ford’s fat head in a guillotine. I’m just saying I’d bring folding chairs and popcorn. Maybe hire The Beaches for live music.

Perhaps Ricky, Julian, and Bubbles make an appearance. Perhaps it’s the largest Toronto gathering since SARSStock.

Jamil Jivani’s rant? Mild. I’ve been biting my tongue since Ford tried to pawn off the Greenbelt and out-restrict California on COVID.

Seriously. Fuck that bag-of-milk in a suit. Winning against wet paper bags doesn’t make you a strategist. It makes you lucky. Sit down.

Three fluke wins against no-name nobodies and suddenly he’s Karl Rove with a cholesterol problem? Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Dougie.

Doug Ford is what happens when expired mayo learns to talk.

While I’m at it: fuck Danielle Smith too. She wants secession because her team lost. I want it because I believe in individual freedom.

We are not the same.

Danielle wants secession to consolidate power. I want to dissolve it.

Urban City-States Instead of Voting Blocs

Let the GTA secede. Rebrand it as Canukistan. Give it a flag, a new anthem, and permanent AMBER Alert status.

Quebec's been threatening to leave for at least 40 years. Let’s help them pack.

They talk independence, but they cling to equalization payments like a toddler to a juice box.

The Bloc doesn’t want independence. It wants leverage. And we’ve been paying ransom since the ’80s.

Assuming the GTA doesn’t break off into a Liberal vassal state…

Maybe the Conservatives should try backing city autonomy — a rare area where Doug Ford’s “strong mayor” powers aren’t just cosplay.

Let cities get federal funds directly — no province-as-middleman. Let them build EVs and light rail without banning shotguns in Moose Jaw.

City autonomy was sitting there gift-wrapped. But instead, the right played Hunger Games: Canadian Edition.

Trump might win a third term, choke on a Big Mac, or both. Either way, the Conservatives need a plan that doesn’t hinge on his pulse.

So what happens after this? After Carney? After Trump? What about the 2040 doomsday playbook?

What’s Next

Give it 2–4 years. Carney will reveal himself for what he is: Trudeau with a Bloomberg subscription. Davos in a navy suit. Klaus Schwab with better lighting.

Nothing will get better. Everything will get pricier. Inflation up. Housing up. Elbows up. Faces down.

Don’t be surprised if Carney taxes your front porch. He’ll tax your home equity, your Canadian Tire loyalty points, and track your behaviour with a Hockey Rink Purity Index score.

Face down, elbows up — perfect posture for a government raping.

The Tories have time to regroup and rebuild. Maybe next time Pierre should just say it:

“Yeah, I’m MAGA Maple. Who’s Trump gonna deal with — a WEF banker or a guy who gets the Mar-a-Lago drink menu?”

Be the guy Trump tolerates, not the one he humiliates at a summit. Let him think Canada’s the 51st state. Print him special maps. Stroke his ego — he lives in a bubble anyway.

Maybe the pitch should’ve been: “Let’s keep Trump calm,” instead of “Let’s trigger a trade war with the most powerful toddler on Earth.”

But nuance doesn’t move Canadian voters. Only vibes and vague terror do. Canadians prefer drama. “Calm him down” doesn’t poll quite like “fight the orange menace.”

These are the same Canadians who, last year, called Canada a genocidal colonial hellscape and insisted it was actually “Turtle Island.”

One minute it’s “Canada is stolen land.” Next minute they’re hugging the flag like it’s their grandma’s quilt. Pick a lane.

I’m not a nationalist. Not a conservative either. I get the leftist critique — but spare me the sudden flag-waving when it’s time to vote for the Laurentian Elite.

That’s why I’m all in on decentralization. Not just for Canada — for the whole continent. Turn North America into Europe: city-states, communes, self-rule.

End this flaming wreck of liberal democracy before it finishes the job for us.

What about the Green Party? Still Clinging to Life.

Oh right — the fucking Green Party.

I had dreams of buying them for scrap after this election.

But Elizabeth May survived. Again. Must’ve renewed her pact with Lucifer.

She’ll never age. Never die. Never lose her seat. Never hand over the Green Party unless it’s carved out of her cold, carbon-neutral hands.

The Green Party is her horcrux.

Elizabeth May will outlive us all.

The cockroaches will gather.

The oceans will rise.

The sun will dim.

Long after the last cities fall and the oceans swallow the coasts, Elizabeth May will still be there.

Smiling. Waving.

Running unopposed.

Face down. Elbows up. Forever.