Pipeline Prophets, Podcast Preachers & the Return of the Red Dragon
Dispatch #10 – Poilievre’s Cult, Carney’s Beef, and Smith’s Self-Appointed Exceptionalism
April 8: All candidates are westward ho today.
Pierre Milhouse Poilievre is riding high after Harper’s blessing and will hold a news conference in Edmonton this morning.
Yesterday in B.C., Poilievre pitched a “one-and-done” rule for fast-tracking resource projects. More on that soon.
Meanwhile, Mark Fucking Carney is still lurking in B.C., chatting with Premier Eby about softwood lumber and U.S. trade.
He took questions in Saanichton, where the Carney–Smith beef kept sizzling. It’s Alberta beef vs. Bay Street bland, and the grill is just heating up. More on that in a bit.
Jagmeet Singh hits the B.C. Lower Mainland today, but LifeLab strikers and First Nations reps shouldn’t hold their breath—he and the team need a YMCA shower stop after a long night on the bus.
Singh’s been campaigning like a broke roadie. Forget the pension—just toss him a Tim Hortons card and a YMCA locker key.
Elizabeth May and her co-leader—who may or may not be an AI hologram—are unveiling the Green health platform in Guelph. But let’s be real—no one cares.
Same goes for that purple fuck and his band of tinfoil misfits. What’s his name again—Maxipad Freedom?
More on that Later?
God help me. This is the part of the election where I give up—14,000 words in, and politics has eaten my life. I’ve written more about this election than most MPs write in their whole careers—and that includes their memoirs.
Work? Bills? Eating? Going outside? Walking? Why bother?
I already read too much—and now I’m reporting like some self-loathing intern.
At least the weather hasn’t warmed too much. This part of Ontario’s still getting a lot of rain. And ah shit—
Now I’m talking about the fucking weather.
Screw it. Let’s dive in.
I’ve been soft on Poilievre because—honestly? I hate the Liberals. And Carney. I hated him before it was cool. Even ZeroHedge ran my takedown back when he was Canada’s central banker. He’s always been a smirking technocrat destined to ruin your mortgage.
Poilievre’s scam is easier to stomach than Carney’s. Pierre’s a Steve Buscemi “How Do You Do, Fellow Kids?” meme with a creepy smile. Carney is the smug face of the international rules-based order.
One’s cosplaying a populist. The other is the algorithm.
Everyone knows the Conservative scam: cut taxes for the rich, boot people off their land, and toss billion-dollar contracts to corporate pals. Trickle-down justice with a bulldozer clause.
No lies detected.
The Liberals do the same thing—just gift-wrapped in “net-zero” buzzwords and carbon-neutral fascism. Meet the new boss: same stink, fancier soap.
It’s Trailer Park Boys, but brought to you by Netflix instead of classic Clattenburg. Glossy, overlit, and somehow less believable.
But for balance? Let’s rip into Poilievre. What better time than right after Harper’s ceremonial knighting?
Stephen Harper: Still Haunting the Rideau
Harper endorsed the last two Conservative leaders, but never hit the trail. For Poilievre, he showed up—physically, in public. A rare event for a man who’s spent the last decade lurking like a suburban Nosferatu.
He built the scaffolding: fiscal austerity, corporate deregulation, and “ethical oil” spin. Now he chairs the International Democratic Union—a centre-right think tank that sounds like a Bond villain’s LinkedIn group.
At 25, Poilievre entered Parliament as Harper’s loyal attack dog—snarling on command, wagging when told.
Poilievre was groomed for this gig like Carney was hand-picked by the Laurentian wine-and-cheese Illuminati. One was chosen by oil lobbyists, the other by a yacht club that reads The Economist and swears they never met Epstein.
Poilievre is Harper 2.0 cosplaying as a Dollarama libertarian—just swap the sweater vest for podcast merch.
He treats Jordan Peterson interviews like papal visits: solemn nods, vague Latin about “postmodern Neo-Marxism,” and straight to the YouTube ATM. Word salad washed down with oil cash.
When Harper took power in 2006, he had a minority government and a couple newspaper endorsements. A lone conservative wolf in a red sea of “centrism.”
If Poilievre wins in 20 days, he won’t be alone. He’s backed by a full parallel media ecosystem: Shapiro’s sniffing north, and at home, it’s Malcolm, True North, Juno News, Levant, and Rebel—greased up and packed into a '75 Chrysler with one door missing and a bottle of Crown Royal in the glove compartment.
Then there’s the YouTube hype men, parroting the same reactionary gospel. It’s not journalism—it’s outrage merch, fed to you by the algorithm like dopamine dust.
Choose your poison: state-sponsored liberal bland, or conservative rage-clicks screamed into a Shure SM7B from someone’s IKEA living room.
Poilievre’s Pipeline Gospel Is a Scam
Follow the money. Poilievre wants pipelines “south, north, east and west,” and he’s already huddled with at least 45 oil lobbyists this past year—Suncor, Enbridge, Imperial, Cenovus—the whole greasy gang.
He’s drawing a pipeline pentagram and calling it prosperity.
His platform? Axe the carbon tax, greenlight LNG plants and mines, kill the Impact Assessment Act, and gut environmental regs like a libertarian field dressing a deer.
But let’s be real—between world energy demand, the regulatory rollback jackpot, and Carney’s green-to-oily heel-turn, the Liberals could just as easily cash in on the next oil boom.
Carney used to warn about climate risk. Now he wants a carbon-rich Canada with a sustainability logo slapped on the barrel.
And the provinces? They’ll rake in royalties and tax revenue. Even the Maritimes might finally get a taste—if an east-west pipeline ever snakes its way to New Brunswick or Nova Scotia.
Poilievre skips the climate lip-service and land acknowledgements. His pitch? Jobs now. Consequences never.
He’s got a bro-cast network behind him—a rage reformation against the liberal Church of the Rules-Based Order.
Martin Luther nailed 95 theses to the church door. These guys pin AI-generated memes to the algorithm.
But maybe we don’t need a reformation—maybe we need agnosticism. Especially toward anyone offering salvation by pipeline.
Smith v. Carney: Oil Rig Teresa Meets Bay Street Bambi
This is Martin Luther vs. some forgotten Catholic bishop no one bothered to quote. That’s Smith vs. Carney.
The Reformation, but everyone’s mic’d up and wearing bad blazers.
In one corner: Mark Fucking Carney. Unelected technocrat-in-chief. Banker. Plagiarist. Passive-aggressive podium chump.
His platform? Harvard smugness with a splash of Davos dementia.
And in the other: Danielle Rig Pig Smith—Alberta Premier and recurring antagonist in this election. Pretty sure I already told her to shut the fuck up.
But like all sequels, she’s louder and dumber than ever.
She’s back—fresh from her podcast date with Ben Shapiro and Mr. Feeny. Her weapon? Alberta swagger and bulletproof bad takes.
In Victoria, Carney took a jab: said he might send Doug Ford to Fox News—but not Danielle. “That’s a bad idea,” he chuckled. A rare burst of honesty from a man who usually speaks in hedge fund koans.
Smith, who sees herself as Canada’s Maggie Thatcher, fired back: “I won’t shut up.” She called Carney sexist and claimed progressive men are only feminists until a conservative woman speaks.
Not true. Progressive men are feminists—until any woman speaks. Just ask Trudeau’s elbow.
Meanwhile, Carney’s quietly kept emissions caps in place—a polite, carbon-neutral middle finger to Alberta.
Smith calls climate policy a federal war on Alberta prosperity—which, to be fair, is a decent slogan. Nothing riles up Wild Rose Country like Ottawa pretending the greenhouse effect is real.
Carney says premiers should avoid right-wing U.S. podcasts. Smith shows up anyway—uninvited, riding an oil rig, quoting Ayn Rand like she’s hosting Sunday mass.
But none of this is really about Fox News, podcasts, or feminism.
Smith wants to run Alberta like a petro-state with its own foreign policy—she’s already traced the pipeline pentagram in Sharpie.
Carney wants to turn Canadian energy into a World Economic Forum PowerPoint—with smooth transitions and net-zero bullet points.
One’s cosplaying a cowgirl. The other’s cosplaying a central banker. The gender angle? Just seasoning on the energy war steak.
And the steak’s overcooked either way.
And Now, a Message from Our Foreign Sponsors
WeChat—China’s favourite surveillance app—is apparently trying to make Mark Carney look good.
The Privy Council says China’s “targeting” Carney—by hyping his resume. If that’s an attack, it’s the nicest smear job in history.
If this is Carney under attack, I’d hate to see Chinese praise. Sounds more like they’re trying to win an election with a banker-shaped rice cake.
Seems like the real targets are everyone but Carney.
Still, the government assures us this Chinese effort—denied by China, of course—won’t affect the April 28 election.
Nothing to see here. Please disperse.
Also nothing like a firm denial from the CCP to put your mind at ease.
There are 1.7 million Chinese Canadians—about 5% of the population—mostly concentrated in swing ridings across Vancouver and Toronto.
Which means every party is suddenly fluent in Mandarin—at least when the cameras are on. Which is all the time now.
This entire election could turn on a few dense ridings—something Trudeau promised to fix in 2015.
He promised to kill first-past-the-post. Said 2015 would be the last. Ten years later, Carney’s riding a banker’s mandate. Poilievre’s riding an algorithmic mob.
And Singh’s riding a bus.
In this system, the winner takes Parliament.
Everyone else gets a podcast.